Tuesday, 12 April 2011


I am Heronius Napalm XVI, veteran producer and wizard extraordinaire. I know you have heard of me, so I will forgo a lengthy introduction. You see, something very odd happened recently and I feel I should write it down so the world one day the world can look back upon the things that shall occur from this point forward. They shall look upon this moment as the beginning of all that is about to occur. When they find this journal they will know, they will know that none of this is my fault.

I was traveling about in my usual manner, a Producer as famous as myself cannot stay in one place for too long or he risks discovery. If I were seen to be who I am, I would never have any peace. Regardless, I was relaxing in an inn, enjoying a bottle of fine wine when the oddness occurred. Between one sip and the next, my surroundings changed drastically. One moment I was in a private room in a fine inn, the next I was sitting in my chair in a cave. My wine had disappeared.

Cursing, I stood up and look at my surroundings. I was in a large, circular cave. The walls seemed to have been replaced with fire, and there was a shallow pit in the centre. Oddly enough, there were a number of people around me. Little did I know, these people would ruin my life. After a few moments of glancing around there were some rather awkward introductions. I don't remember their names very well as I was trying my best not to look at, talk to, or remember any of them. I recall there was some sort of magician among them, I doubted he could compare to myself, but another practitioner of the arts is a small comfort. After the awkward handshakes and head nods finally stopped a sound caught my attention. 

From the flames on the far side of the wall two large quadrupeds emerged. When I say large, I mean very, very large. Upon closer inspection they appeared to be, "Shetland Ponies?" I heard one of the group ask. Indeed, they were the spitting image of a pair of Shetland Ponies, just several times larger than any pony should ever be.

With a bellowing cry, A 7 foot tall dragonborn began charging toward the large ponies. He had red skin, a longsword and was wearing black plate mail. He jumped over the edge of the pit and struck one of the ponies in the leg. There was a soft noise, somewhat like a door closing gently. The ponies appeared to have a rather tough hide. He turned toward the group and made several thrusting motions with his hips. That seemed to anger something, as the walls manifested themselves as large human shaped creatures, except that they were made of fire.

The Flame Elementals stood behind the main group, one to each side. In unison they reared back, their chests expanding outward. They thrust their heads forward breathing out a great cloud of...small ponies. 8 small ponies surrounded the group, they were 3 feet long miniature Shetland ponies. They busied themselves scurrying about and being adorable. It was rather unsettling. The flame elementals attacked the group, most of us got out of the way, but one fellow, Wilco or some such was hit quite badly and caught fire. The elementals moved back toward the walls, waiting.

A man in plate armour called Mister X attacked the little ponies, but they were faster than expected. Another man moved forward, toward the pit. One pony bit him as he went by. Mister X took another swing at it, missing again. The archer shot his bow at one, killing it.  "Good show archer." I said. He looked at me and shrieked "My name is LUCAS STRONGBOW, and I am a HUNTER!". I arched an eyebrow at that outburst. "Indeed."

The flaming cavalier began running toward the large ponies. I don't know why, I had the situation quite in hand. I moved carefully toward the pit while explaining how fire elementals work to the group of miscreants. I conjured a sleep spell at the large Shetland ponies, the spell took immediate hold. They would be unconscious soon.

A Dragonborn warden yelled "That is a normal pit." I thought we could all see that, but with some of these creatures you could never be too sure. She then crushed one of the small ponies with her shield. She said "Those fire elementals will attack again." Madam Obvious then took up a defensive posture and waited. I stared, with my mouth slightly open for a time, before the other Dragonborn, the one who had charged the large ponies, shouted across the pit that everyone (the group, obviously not including myself) was being quite stupid. I agreed quite vehemently. 

When Chesty turned however, the Large Ponies struck. One of them kicked Chesty quite hard. The other breathed a gout of flame that immolated both Chesty and Wilco, I couldn't help but snicker as they both caught fire. My spell finished taking effect, and both Ponies fell into a very deep sleep. 

A young Halfling stepped forward. He was a sorcerer of some sort. He took advantage of the weakness of the ponies to conjure a storm with its eye around chesty. The storm's winds knocked the two large Ponies into the pit. A rather clever move. We looked each other in the eye, sharing the mutual respect of those who practice magic. Then he made a strange pose and started playing with his staff. I quickly looked away.  I still don't remember his name.

A mul killed one of the little ponies, then threw a healing spell at the still flaming wilco. 

*sigh* A young man stepped forward, unstrapping some sort of instrument from his back. I could tell just from the sight of him that he would be a source of endless annoyance for me. He was tall and thin, with long dishevelled hair. He was wearing far more leather than was necessary. He strode to one of the fire elementals and plaid it a little song. I'm not sure what effect it had on the elemental but everyone else seemed to be rather motivated by it.

Chesty, flames still licking his body, charged back toward the group and attacked one of the little ponies, destroying it. He slapped the remaining fire from his clothing before looking over at the elementals.

The monster replied by setting the young man and Chesty on fire. The four remaining ponies surrounded the Warden of Obvious, biting and kicking. She was knocked down their assault, but was still alive. The remaining elemental tried to set fire to several of the group, but they dodged away.

The archer, Lyle or something, shot his bow at the group of small ponies hitting 3. The fourth dodged away causing the arrow to strike the prone warden.

Wilco, still on fire, jumped into the pit after the large ponies. I looked over my shoulder as he landed at the bottom. I heard a loud cracking noise, I believe he broke a leg. He hit one of the Large ponies with his weapon.

I turned around fully and filled the pit with fire. One of the ponies burned up like dry grass, the other looked quite worse for wear. 

The Mul sentinel burst into a puff of smoke, and in his place stood a gnoll. The creature jumped into the pit, short sword extended. He landed on the remaining Large Pony, killing it instantly.

The Warden of Obvious stood and charged at the uninjured flame elemental to the left of the group. The remaining small pony attacked her on her way past, but was too slow. She missed the flame elemental, which repaid her with a small gout of flame.  I hear cracking and popping noises, I thought she might have broken something. Instead her body morphed, taking on aspects of a large cat while retaining some of the features of the Dragonborn. I glanced around, most of the group looked rather uncomfortable, even the other Dragonborn did not look at her for too long. She backed away from the flame elemental, growling.

The other sorcerer attempted a lightening attack on the elemental. His spell missed, striking the ground beside it.

Then the true insanity began. Fingers stepped forward, eyes locked on the flame elemental. He began playing his instrument,  harder and faster than before. Other members of the band were immediately affected. I am a producer and I have seen many performances, and many people who thought that they could be bards, most of them had no chance. Fingers was a bard, a type I had never seen before. He began singing. The song flooded the entire cave, filling it with a power I have never seen before. Most of the group were unknowingly following along with his music, even singing along at some points. The other sorcerer seemed particularly affected, making up lines of his own. I admit I nodded my head slightly once or twice. I have transcribed the song that was sung in that cave.


With that, the elementals were entranced by the song, as was the little pony. The fight ended, the elementals and the pony left in peace. Most of the group stood there, awestruck at the turn of events.

I knew what I had to do.

I signed every one of them into a lifetime contract with myself as Producer. They were a band now, and under my jurisdiction. From what I saw in the cave that day, I knew that something had begun. Something that will likely change the entire world. 

It isn't my fault that this happened. I don't know how we got there, or who sent us. But one thing is for certain.

Shetland Firestorm had been born.

I am going to be so rich.

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